A reader asks: is it normal to be scared of my skip-level?

The question (paraphrased from r/Big4):

My skip-level is about to schedule a “getting to know you” 1:1 with me. She’s a senior partner. Every time I pass her in the hallway I get nervous. I respect my own manager but I can actually talk to him. With her I feel like I shouldn’t open my mouth. Is this normal?

Yes, it’s normal. It’s also useful, in small doses.

Being scared of your skip-level is a signal that you know she’s higher-consequence to talk to. That’s true. What she thinks of you matters more than what most of your peers do. You are right to take the conversation more seriously.

The problem isn’t the respect. It’s when the respect turns into paralysis — when you’d rather avoid the conversation than have it. That’s the version that actually costs you.

Here’s how to flip it.

The skip-level is not evaluating you the way you think

The biggest mistake new hires make before a skip-level is assuming the meeting is an evaluation. It isn’t, usually. Your skip-level is not trying to decide whether you’re any good. She already knows, roughly, from your manager and from whatever she’s observed. She’s trying to do something else.

Senior leaders usually have three reasons for skip-level 1:1s:

1. She wants information her team layer isn’t fully giving her. What’s the team actually working on? What’s the morale like? What’s being deprioritized? You are a data source for her, not a candidate.
2. She wants to build a weak-tie relationship so that when she needs to reach into her organization, she has names and faces, not just levels on an org chart.
3. She wants to show up in your narrative as a senior sponsor, because that helps retention and helps her influence where attention goes.

None of those three things require you to perform. They require you to show up, say what you think, and answer her questions honestly.

The three questions she’s most likely to ask

Prepare one answer for each. Two to four sentences. Don’t script it tightly — the first draft is the one you’ll actually use.

”How are things going?”

This is the opener. Do not answer “great!” The skip-level did not schedule a 30-minute meeting to hear “great.” Answer specifically:

“Mostly good. Most of my time’s been on [project]. The piece I’m most excited about is [X]. The thing I’m working through is [Y] — I’ve got a path on it, but it’s been the harder part of the quarter.”

Specific, honest, not complainy, names one thing you’re navigating. This is the shape of the answer she’s looking for.

”Is there anything I should know that I might not be hearing?”

This is her actually asking you to tell her things her team isn’t telling her. You can be useful here without being a rat. Some fair categories:

• Team morale signals you’ve noticed. “People seem pretty tired after the Q1 push. Not sure if that’s registering at your level.”
• Confusion about strategy. “I think there’s still some team-level uncertainty about what the Q2 priorities actually are.”
• Process friction. “The engineering-design handoff has been rougher than usual — we’re getting it done, but it’s a lot of interpersonal cost.”

Do not name individual people as problems. Do not dish on your manager. Think of yourself as giving her temperature data, not performance reviews.

”Where do you want to be in a year?”

She’s not going to judge the answer. She’ll judge whether you have thought about it at all.

The worst answer is “I don’t know yet, I’m just focused on doing my job well.” That’s a new-hire non-answer, and it’s the one you should work to avoid.

Better: “A year from now I’d want to be owning [X] end-to-end, and contributing more to [Y]. I think the biggest thing I need to develop is [Z].”

You don’t have to be right. You have to have thought about it. That’s the whole test.

What to actually wear mentally into the room

Three small shifts that make a difference.

1. She is a person, not an office. She also had a first-year-fear of her skip-level once. Everyone in the building did. Something about her personally — how she runs her calendar, what she cares about, what she reads — is available to you if you pay attention. Ask her a personal-but-professional question at some point: “What’s the thing you’re most interested in right now that isn’t on your team’s roadmap?” She’ll brighten.
2. Match her register, don’t try to be more formal than she is. If she jokes, allow yourself to laugh. If she uses first names, use hers. If she swears (some do), don’t match it, but don’t freeze at it either. Senior people disarm new hires by being human; don’t stiffen up in response.
3. Come with one real question. Not a flattery question. A real one: “I’ve been curious about [specific strategic thing]. What was the thinking behind it?” or “Where do you think the team is headed in the next year or two?” That shows you’re paying attention to the same level she’s paying attention to.

Afterwards: the follow-up note

Within 24 hours, send one email or Slack:

“Thanks for the time today. One thing I want to follow up on — you mentioned [specific thing]. I’d love to dig into it more. Here’s [short related thought or link].”

Three things that does:

• Makes the meeting stick in her memory.
• Gives her something to react to without work.
• Builds a thread she can reference later, which matters more than most people realize.

Senior people’s inboxes are crowded. One specific, thoughtful follow-up from a new hire after a 1:1 stands out.

When the fear is actually telling you something useful

Being scared of your skip-level can also be diagnostic. Ask yourself: what specifically am I scared of? If it’s “I’m scared of saying something dumb and losing her respect,” that’s normal first-year nerves. Manageable.

But if it’s “I’m scared she’ll find out I don’t actually know what I’m doing,” or “I’m scared she’ll ask me a question about [X] that my manager should have answered and didn’t,” the fear is pointing at a real gap. The fix isn’t to avoid the skip-level. The fix is to go to your manager and get the briefing you need, before the 1:1, so the gap stops being load-bearing.

Ask your manager:

“I’ve got the skip-level 1:1 with [her] on Thursday. Anything specific you think she’d want to hear from me? Anything you want me to reinforce or be careful about?”

Good managers love this question. Great ones preload you with two or three things.

Edge cases

• If your manager is territorial about skip-levels (some are), follow the invitation and be careful not to go around your manager on anything substantive. Discuss the work she does, not work your manager would rather discuss directly with her.
• If the skip-level is known to be demanding: still go in with one real question, but don’t try to be someone you’re not in the meeting. She’ll see through it. She’d rather see a nervous honest version of you than a polished false one.
• If the skip-level asks you something you don’t know the answer to: “I don’t know — I can get back to you by Friday” is always fine. Making up an answer at this level is the single worst thing you can do.

Do this today

Write down the one real question you’d ask her if you felt relaxed. The question you’re genuinely curious about. Tape it to the corner of your notebook. That’s your anchor for the meeting. Everything else is easier once you know you have it ready.

For the “end the meeting well” move that also works at the skip-level, see the one sentence that ends a good 1:1. For the general structure of a senior 1:1, the secret to good 1:1 meetings still applies.

—

If you have a question like this, send it in and it may become a Reader Q column. Anonymity guaranteed.